Tan · Ke · Xin

First I was falling from the sky, then I was being chased by monsters. The next thing I knew, I was drowning. It was a nightmare.

You can do better than yesterday
Everyday I am thankful. Today is no exception. I am grateful to those whom I'm not even close enough to mention them here on my blog lol, but I honestly believe that friendliness is really contagious. Simple hi-bye friends, don't underestimate your role to brighten up people's day. Really feeling too distant to mention people on my blog omg! But okay shall mention one for example: this J1 basketball girl for example, whose name I believe is Michelle. Yeah, since the day I'm injured she's been concerned about my knee, and I really appreciate that. And she's so bubbly, every time we smile at each other I just feel a little better. Oh okay another pair to mention is the netball twins. They just magically make your day! Yet again, people should acknowledge each other out of genuine politeness and sincerity. If not, don't bother please..... There's also a few others whom I really am embarrassed to mention -- I don't even know their names. But I appreciate it when they don't perceive me as a badass in school and judge me. I'm friendly, I am!!!!

Another sweet child
Thank you, Wee kiang. After PE I just kind of broke down a little, what's new (but guys take a chill pill I'm not suicidal I just need to release myself a little) ? So fortunately Wee kiang was there consoling me. It feels good when you're understood, it really does make you feel that you're actually not alone. Learnt a lot from this guy, he's just like a figure of a big brother to me. Now I know who to look for when my day is shitty already. And I am sorry to get him into trouble with a teacher because I used that floorball stick he had as hockey stick and smashed the ball hard. I'm forgiven anyway so thank God!

Embark on something new
Challenge yourself everyday. No matter how trivial you set your challenges, for example: cutting down on the portion of rice for dinner, to something almost impossible like bracing yourself to initiate a conversation with your crush tonight. At least at the end of the day, you won't blame yourself for not trying. Remember, everything you do is a gamble, so do it good, do it right. Remember, YOLO? (You Only Live Once)
Okay talking about YOLO, this phrase really seem adequate to apply in almost every situation so what's up with those crazy masses of people putting this slogan down?

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• Sun, 13:34: I like to burp in people's ears and I succeed all the time. Watch out.
• Sun, 13:43: RT @chengyeeee: when the seas get rough, this is what we do http://t.co/ntr0KNbL
• Sun, 19:32: " She's insecure, don't know what for, BUT she never turn heads when she walks through the door "
• Sun, 20:40: I know places we can go babe / Where the highs won't bring you down babe
• Sun, 20:44: *^__^* thank you for being there for me. That's how easily I am contented with your company.
• Sun, 20:48: Some people just simply have the power to make me shed tears of joy when I'm oh-so touched.
• Sun, 23:12: You're a cheeky and naughty one
• Sun, 23:18: Basically I like everything with a slight tinge of sadness
• Mon, 06:44: Hey you, shut up.
• Mon, 09:23: Ready, get sad, go away.

My hockey girls
Been to hockey and basketball A divs finals this week, and I got to see huge crowds of supporters of both teams cheering and wow, it's magnificent for real. Basketball really did impress, and good job once again, it revved the aj spirit. But never before has our hockey team received such attention... Aj-cians on twitter all mesmerized and all hyped up saying basketball is a cool sport and "omg ahhhh my eyecandy he's so hot" but then, sigh! If only our hockey teams could make it into the semi-finals and onwards, then when people watch hockey they definitely would find it a cool sport too. People rarely get to see how hockey is played, so they don't know. Oh well, but I do really miss my hockey girls, want to play with them again. Apple will be screaming in her cute voice... Jiayu will be impressive at the most unexpected moment running with the ball.... Jayying will do what she does best tackling and dribbling... Olivia will be covering and supporting everyone of us.... Xuting will be shouting at us reminding us on the pitch "Sticks down!!!"... Sarah will be doing her mighty and powerful hits... Anni will be deflecting like a boss... Gladys will be screaming at the team and do 16 yards... Jana will be sweeping balls out of the way... Clarice will knock all balls out and scream "MINEEEEEE!!!!"... I'll be diving and fighting for the ball...
Memories.

I'm hoping that what I lack in self-awareness, I more than make up for in something amazing that I'm just not aware of yet.

Afraid and what's more?
What if?
The worst feeling you can ever experience is when you're upset and worried yet you can do nothing to help yourself. Is it the fear that is pulling us back? I am just a sad sad creature and my sad sad nature is restricting me from being awesome.

The usual
Today, I want to thank a special someone: Chengyee
Thank you babe for your encouraging words, you make me feel that I'm not alone since we are already on the same boat, and I have a plenty of things to learn from you. Really needed your words today, if not for you, I don't know how to continue with this negativity. Love you girl, I really appreciate your positivity a lot. Cannot wait to see you already...

Some other people
Some people, I really wanna kiss and hug them, I want them to know they are appreciated by me because I love them just the way they are. Really. Whereas for some other people, they are just gruesome and I really can't give a fart to them no matter how hard they try to impress me. So stop it, to those some other people that I highly regard as those that are insignificant as much as a life of an ant. Why can't that some other people learn from those that are naturally entrancing? And when I don't care, I really don't. You should stop trying and make yourself look like a pathetic joke. You can't just impress me right after you un-impress me, if you get what I mean. Being repulsive can no longer earn you the attraction you have always yearn for.

Okay, so now now, where's my dinner?

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Awesomeness plus a whole load of pride
Aj basketball boys emerged second and girls got fourth for the A divs. Very impressive play, and only today did I realize that basketball is actually played indoors. Hmmm okay haha Gareth did pretty well despite his injured knee. But oh well, I understand how he feels; we could have given more and everything we have if not for that stupid knee. Want to sincerely thank Gareth for helping my so much to recover from my injury. It's okay Kex, you got another year to go. Hockey let's go. But work is no doubt first in my priorities.

“I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.”

Need no one
Convince me that you deserve my time. Yes you try, but you try too hard. I don't want to spare you the attention that should be settled on someone else that I have in mind, but oh well, nothing comes that easy as you wish. Shall speak no more lest I give myself away.

What kind of test is this actually
Keys. House. Bridge. Cat.
Using these 4 items, construct a storyline of what you can imagine happening to you in great details - no chronological order, and it need not actually make sense.
So my storyline goes:
(Scenario: Sepia) I was out of home while I remember that my keys are not brought out and still left at home. I decided to make a move back home to retrieve my house keys before making my way to my destination again. There is a bridge located directly outside my house, and when I was about to cross the bridge, a cat appeared to be loitering just right in front of the bridge. I squat down and took some time talking and caressing the cat, with the ringing thought whether I should bring it back home to keep it mine. Thinking that it's better for it if it should prefer freedom more, I parted with the cat and crossed over the bridge, then finally reaching my home to retrieve my keys.
The end.
So what is this whole story about? It is actually somewhat of a test that predicts the outlook of your future. Let me first explain what the 4 various items mean:
Keys- Your fortunes
House- Your properties
Bridge- Your career
Cat- Your first real love/partner

Therefore, basically, I already have this constant goal of achieving my fortunes, however I'll only achieve my fortunes and properties after completing my career. Also, I'll meet my first partner before attaining my career prospects and I'll leave him for higher hopes and dreams of a stable settlement in life.

How reliable is this? I'll leave it to you to decide.

Turn the lights off
So lethargic lately. To the extent that when I'm on my bed doing my routine of praying for loved ones, thanking God, reflecting on self and all, I doze off in the midst of praying and sleeeeeeep all the way without completing my prayers. And I'll wake up in this angst and blame myself for falling asleep and only to open my eyes to this glaring source of light attached to the ceiling. Not anymore tonight!

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I do not know what do you expect of me; I hate breaking expectations, especially those that matter to me
I am not just what you perceive me as, it's far more complex than just what you see, and sometimes that sad sad nature of me can be caught off guard too. Sigh, just so you know.

Just a quick one before I get on with my work.
Pray that my knee will miraculously get better -- it has to. I fell twice today, don't know why am I so clumsy really. Out of my mind lately I guess?

Go Kex, the world is still beautiful.

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I want to rant, but I don't know how.
Hmm sigh ugh ..... I don't know but what I know is I got to stop feeling so sad and helpless. Well, we can't exactly refrain ourselves from feeling those negativities, and so I guess all we can do is at least get a better grip on our own emotions. It really is miserable to just break down in tears at the sight of your ex-class, at those loved ones who have gone through it all with you, and anything and everything that have the least significant link to the source of your sadness. Why so weak Kex, why so weak? Shit happens, that's what they always say. But why does it always happen? And always to me.. Then people expect us to already get used to ourselves and quit wallowing in our self-pity and carry on with our lives like nothing did happen at all and we are just gonna laugh and have fun and all in school with no worries and without a care in the world. Then I was just thinking, why is it that some people seem to not have that much of a worry most of their days, and why then is it different on my side? Perhaps I ought to change my perception on situations to be strong enough to pull through. Shangmeei said many things that really struck me:
"The happiest person on the outside normally has the most sorrows on the inside, which is you and me"
"In secondary school I've always been very happy, till I came here"
":( yeah we'll gonna have many times of outbursts this year but we'll be fine in the end kkk"
Don't worry, don't ring up the counsellor yet, we are not suicidal or whatsoever. We are just indignant indifferent melancholy paranoid etc. Maybe we just feed on each other, maybe one of us just got to possess a little more positivity to help each other up. Maybe we were both wrong and have made the wrong choices again and again.

You think you know how we feel? There is no way you'll understand until you go through the same course as us. I know I might sound blaming here, but no, I just understand that we cannot be fully understood. And that's fine.

But honestly I hate acting so whiny and so dependent so sad so pitiful so reluctant to let go so negative because I have always believed that I'm stronger than all these that can potentially break me down. They tell me "It's okay, you'll be fine soon" yeah and I'm waiting for soon to come. I don't want to permanently feel this way.

Specially thanking you:
-Chia Wee
-Shangmeei
-Joey Tay
-Joy Han
-Followers for the twitter retweets to let me know that I'm not facing issues alone.

Lastly, I want to end off with a question.
Can we ever be good enough for ourselves?

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Her studies allowed us to withdraw in private as love craved. With our books open before us, more talk of love than books passed between us and more kissing than learning.

Rain or shine
I'm that kind of person who really cannot stand the heat. The recent heat is so draining, and every time I start sweating, I feel frustrated and reluctant to get any work done. And on top of that, I sweat a lot and also very easily! Just ask anyone I hang out with in the morning... The heat really needs to maintain, it makes me erratic and irrational all the time. Whereas on a chilly and rainy day where the clouds just shadow over us, I feel so calm at at ease, and when I do work I feel more on task. The slight breeze.... The little drizzle.... The pouring rain.... The roaring thunder.... Given a situation I'd rather die in a chiller than in the sun. Perhaps I should start adapting to a rainforest.

How ya feelin'?
I don't know. Tired. Sad. Moody. Unpredictable. Lame (both literally -- thanks to my injured knee -- and metaphorically) Cranky. Erratic (thanks to the heat). Recently an addition to my book of feelings that I often get: Incompetency. Sigh, don't ask why. In general I just feel this way. People often say, there's no room for second-best. But I fully understand that there's always someone better than you, finer than you. I accept that because that's the truth. But because of my acceptance to it that results to this incompetent issue that I'm feeling. Don't get it wrong, I'm not feeling inferior or anything close. I got this massive lump of thing which I suppose it's something called the ego that makes me also believe that everyone is different from everyone. Nonetheless, that feeling of incompetency is the barrier that restricts you from wanting to challenge the rest who you think are better. Where are my guts?

Say what you need to say
Why do we not have the freedom to speak whatever that's on our minds now? Is it the fear of being judged, and the fear of revealing too much? I have oh so much to tell but I rarely share.... But sometimes I just am paranoid that I'll bore people out. Nevertheless I got to confess yet again that my knee is hurting a lot, a lot. Haven't had the time to re-schedule my appointment with my physiotherapist. And my appointment with the specialist to get a referral for MRI scan is the end of this month... Such a long time I have no choice but I can only wait right. Sigh. I can't run can't sprint can't go crazy go insane running around like mad cows with my friends chasing pushing knocking down one another. It's okay what, just treat me like a granny uh.

Goodbye Kiss
Addicted to yet another song. Lana Del Rey's cover of Kasabian's Goodbye Kiss. The lyrics just speak too well of what once to be our situation. Oh well, glad that it's all over. Glad that I can actually forget a person that easily, as long as the next shows up at the right time.

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Even an angel can end up falling,
don't you cry because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning.

All the best to my loves
I want to be there for my friends as much as I want them to be here for me. Some have proven me right, the others wrong. Nonetheless, I'll do the most possible that a friend can give. I want to be your best friend, I want you to never regret meeting me. (This is only for those whom I care, obviously)

Expression of gratitude

Thank you to those who appreciate this blog, because I've received fairly good comments, I really thought not too many people would read this.
Thank youto those who doubt me, because your slanted views and vicious remarks are pushing me forward; I want to prove y'all wrong.
Thank you to those who have been by my side through thick and thin, because y'all prove to me that I didn't not waste my time and efforts keeping up friendships with y'all.
Thank you God, for my family and friends.
Thank you God, for you have made me as who I am.
Thank you God, for the loveliest rainbow I've seen to brighten up my day.
As I'm looking at it now, I see that it's magnificent, and it's beautiful. Just like you and me. Cheers for today!

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'I ran away.'
He thought about this for a moment, then said, 'It often takes courage to run away.'
'No, you're wrong there,' I said. 'It takes no courage at all.'

Flowers Flourishing
Do you know how to touch a girl?
Not 'touch' touch, because I strongly believe all guys are deprived dogs when it comes to 'touch' touch so of course all guys know exactly how and where to touch a girl. But what I mean here is, do you know how to touch a girl, to make her happy with the simplest things. Flowers, for example. Yes, sadly they all wither and die. But that instant when girls receive flowers that is when they feel the happiest. Flowers! Make your girl happy today. And tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And forever and always. On a side note, flowers are horribly expensive!! One small bouquet for $35 haha just saying. So guys if you are financially-strapped please consider the flowers you see on roadsides. Or even hand-make a few to make the girls feel a little more appreciated?

Focus
Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Just don't let your mind wander off too far.

Snippings Snappings
Need to get my hair trimmed soon. Horrible condition especially the ends, got to to something about it before my hair becomes worse! Nonetheless I thank God for such beautiful natural brown colour I have and all along I seldom have major issues with my hair.

Always easier said than done
Told my mummy yesterday on text message "... I love you mummy!!!!!!!!!!! <3" Don't know why I was so emotional writing that that I teared up a little walking on the streets of Orchard. Pretty funny situation, but I really want to let my mummy know how much I love her and because of her that made me who I am now. I don't want my parents to grow old, I don't want my "I love you"s "Sorry"s and "Thank you"s to be delivered too late. People, be appreciative. Put down your pride and ego and express gratitude to your parents today! And also everyday of course. Mothers' Day next week, I haven't thought of anything specific to get my mummy but I roughly already have an idea.

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Last Friday Night.
Epe-st'weep'st-e'ee!

Plant fears into my own head
Basically I went to the library and borrowed a few books. So one of it titled something like 12 great murders that stunned the whole world. Something like that. I thought it was interesting so I borrowed it and so before I went to sleep last night I was flipping through several cases. Oh no, wrong move. I woke up today with a nightmare (which I can't already remember). And everywhere I go I imagine vengeful spirits jumping out at me. Horrible horrible day. I'll leave murder cases far far away from me and never read them up in details again. It's pure sick and disgusting to read, let alone imagine how the murders were executed and the psychological minds of the murderers.

4-day weekend
So ever tempting. Just like half of a March hols. Close enough.

Learn things slow
Sigh, I guess cca is stepping down soon, especially now that hockey a divs are finally over for my school. Hmm. It is a wonderful, wonderful batch, and it has been an awesome and fun-filled year with y'all. Both girls and guys. Why so emotional as I'm writing this? Haha still gonna cheer them on as they prepare for A levels. All the best my hockeymons.

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